It happened again today! The same conversation I keep overhearing in public while I am waiting to check out at a store. Someone putting down their partner, fiance or spouse and gossiping about them to another person. With wedding season in full gear, ABC's The Bachelorette ending another season and WeTv Bridezilla's continuing another dramatic show case of less than lady like and tailored "brides" I felt a need to blog about a very important topic. Should I really marry this person? When I coordinated Margaret Hoover and John Avlon's wedding back in 2009 - she said something that really made me think. "I want to have a very nice wedding but I am not looking to plan the perfect wedding rather I would like to do my best to plan the perfect marriage." I thought to myself here is someone that totally gets it.
My husband and I renewed our 10 year wedding anniversary back in July (blog and photos will be posted soon). During the course of the planning of our anniversary party, coordinating clients weddings and hearing the day in's and out's of the dramatic tales of other people's relationships (usually in public places) the more Margaret Hoover's comment kept coming back to me.
It made me realize that anyone can get married if you lower your standards enough and you better choose wisely so you can eventually treat kindly. I think that many people both male and female can get caught up in the glitz and glamour of planning a wedding but may not necessarily step back and truly think about the long term affects of planning their marriage. How do you set rules, boundaries, guidelines and other items that are important to you? What are your roles when it comes to the finances, cooking, cleaning, children, etc? Do you want children and if so how many? What is their view about public verses private school, surgery procedures and family vacations? Do you both share similar values, backgrounds, friends, interests, hobbies? How are you around each other's friends and family? What are deal breakers - how open or private are you with other people? Who is more outspoken and potentially seen as a threat? How does your potential partner handle stress, talk about/view other people and what do they truly represent? What is their view about money, politics, religion and life in general? Are either one of you hung up on an ex partner or friend who could be damaging to your relationship? Can you discuss your differences in a fair and healthy manner?
Whatever issues you are having while you are dating or are engaged and if it is not completely resolved... guess what - it is not over. Can you truly live with whatever aspects bother you about the person... remember everyone leopards do not change its spots. You either have to accept the person for who they are or move on - and more importantly determine that it is YOUR relationship with your partner. You must work together and determine how you can keep your relationship special and not share everything you have (both good and bad) with the world. People have to remember that just because you feel something does not mean you need to share it with someone else - this in turn could potentially affect your relationship or make your partner be seen in a way that is not entirely accurate.
I have come to the realization that there is always one person in the relationship who is judged far more harshly than the other. This could be for a number of reasons but this is just a fact of life. You have to ask yourself how will you respond to those outsiders that question you and your relationship beyond disbelief? You must remember that you chose your partner for reasons that YOU believe are important. Actually they will not question you but rather will question your partner because lets face it - it is much safer to do this. Believe me everyone will have an opinion about your relationship or life if you allow them to. You must continue to ask yourself how will YOU respond and can YOU live with this?
It breaks my heart when I am in the grocery store, conducting meetings or watching tv and hear how someone's partner is talking so negatively about them. Okay and yes I understand there is a difference between venting (we all need to vent from time to time) and just plain slandering someone for mere entertainment purposes or want to elevate your ego for the moment on your partner's behalf. I say a little prayer and hope that this is an incident rather than a patterned behavior. Everyone makes mistakes and I hope that as couples make mistakes and evaluate their relationship before they are married are able to determine what they can do to rectify any unintentional damage that may have or could occur in the future. I truly believe that if engaged couples examine these very important factors as they are planning their wedding that their life and future will be much happier and healthier.
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